I'm a young woman, seemingly unassuming, quiet, a deep thinker. Sometimes too deep, I want to switch the button off and on for the flow of my thoughts but that wouldn't make me alive, I try to keep persuading myself that not being alive is a bad thing. It's important to stay positive or so I'm told. My whole world is a bunch of try. If only my try was as hard as my power to feel.
I'm struggling. I'm struggling every day to combat my own view of myself, that I'm useless, that I'm not going to amount to anything, that I'm not really here. This is probably my main problem in finding a job, how are they going to perceive me apart from as a husk, a husk of a person who never was but is trying to be.
I've never really wanted to be but here I am so I be and I be not for me but for my parents. They've invested a lot in me, a lot, too much some might say with little return, well financially, a great return of emotional turmoil. They'd tell me not to think like that but I know I'd be better if I was "normal". Normal to me is not a bad thing, it's a safe state to be. I want that "normal" tedious 9-5 job that people have, I want to be able to not think about anything else but completing a job for eight hours of the day and then put me to sleep.
I live in the UK. If you read the news you'd assume it's depressing. It can be if you read the media. I've tried to stop reading but it's shoved in my face. I've always been in full time education until I graduated in summer '13.I made the mistake of going on a gap year after having finished a completely academic non vocational degree. "What do you do?" has always been my least favourite question. I never ask it. I never want people to feel as unaccomplished or small as I do when I'm asked it.
I'm trying to apply for internships, and any job I can get, I say I'll work for free and work hard. And I would. It doesn't work though, you're lucky if you get a reply, though I know it's the same for everyone it doesn't make it better. I felt positive about it a few weeks ago, things were looking up. I had received an email from a charity which deals with mental health saying they had received my application and they wanted me to bring in my documents. I replied saying that I was free at any time. Silence. And so it begins again
